Marriage Give What They Need, Not What I Need. We all have different kinds of needs. This is especially true between men and women. For the most part, men are more logical and women are more emotional. Men want to know only the facts. Women want all the details. Women need conversation. Men are not usually this way. One of the biggest mistakes we make is trying to give our spouses and friends what we need instead of giving what they need.
LIVE TO GIVE
By Pastor Delbert Young
Marriage Give What They Need, Not What I Need
Marriage Give What They Need, Not What I Need
Scriptures: Genesis 1:28, Hebrews 13:4, Song of Solomon, Revelation 21:2, 1 Corinthians 6:19-20, Song of Solomon 1:10, 15, Song of Solomon 4:1-3
We are talking about LIVE TO GIVE. One of the most necessary places we need to learn to LIVE TO GIVE is in our marriages. Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce and for the first time, statistics show more Christian marriages are ending in divorce than non-Christian. If we are going to have successful, fulfilling marriages, we must LIVE TO GIVE to our marriages.
We all have different kinds of needs. This is especially true between men and women. For the most part, men are more logical and women are more emotional. Men want to know only the facts. Women want all the details. Women need conversation. Men are not usually this way. One of the biggest mistakes we make is trying to GIVE our spouse what we need instead of GIVING what they need. Because something meets my needs doesn’t mean it will meet my wife’s needs. If we are going to have good fulfilling marriages and relationships, we must do a little studying of the person and learn what they need. Marriage, Give What They Need, Not What I Need.
We all have different kinds of needs. This is especially true between men and women. For the most part, men are more logical and women are more emotional. Men want to know only the facts. Women want all the details. Women need conversation. Men are not usually this way. One of the biggest mistakes we make is trying to give our spouses and friends what we need instead of giving what they need. In Marriage Give What They Need, Not What I Need. We all have different kinds of needs. This is especially true between men and women. For the most part, men are more logical and women are more emotional. Men want to know only the facts. Women want all the details. Women need conversation. Men are not usually this way. One of the biggest mistakes we make is trying to give our spouses and friends what we need instead of giving what they need.
There are different ways we express and receive love. In other words, we all have a “love language.” Some people need encouragement on a regular basis. They must hear they are important, doing a good job, and necessary. Perhaps you are a self-motivated person and don’t need frequent validation, but this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t give it to others. A man might say, “I shouldn’t have to thank my wife for cooking dinner, cleaning the house, and taking care of the children. Anyway, I told her something like this last year.” No. If your wife needs frequent encouragement, you better give it to her or the enemy will make certain someone else will.
Some people’s love language is receiving a gift. Perhaps your wife doesn’t need encouragement, but “loves it” when you bring her flowers. This is how she knows you are thinking of her and love her. You may think, “This is silly. What in the world does she see in flowers?” It’s her love language and it’s what she needs. It’s how God wired her. Don’t get upset with her. Get upset with God.
How do you learn a person’s “love language?” The best way to learn is by learning to listen. People will voice their concerns in the areas where they have the greatest need. If your wife says, “You never have time for me. You are always working,” it’s her way of saying, “I need you to give me some quality time. I need some attention.” You need to adjust your schedule and give to this need. You say, “Well, I pay for the house and her car. She should be happy.” No. I’m sure she appreciates the house and the car, but what she needs is you to give her time. Schedule a baby sitter and tell her, “I’ve got a sitter lined up for tomorrow night. Let’s you and I go out alone for dinner.” If you will do something this simple, you will be a happy man!
If your husband says, “No matter what I do, I can’t please you,” you need to study what he said. He is crying out for your affirmation. He needs your approval. He needs to hear you say, “I’m proud of you. You are a great husband and father. I appreciate all you do for this family.” Learn to give people what they need and not what you need. Listen for their love language.
When I’ve been working hard, maybe had some stressful situations to deal with, or something didn’t go well, I don’t need Judy to say, “Come on in here and let’s talk about it.” This may meet her need, but it’s not my love language. I need to go outside and mow grass. I need to go up to my utility building and work on my boat or fishing rods. I need to take a day off and go fishing by myself. I sort of need to be left alone. Judy understands this. It’s the same way with her. If she’s uptight about something, I don’t say, “Hey Judy, you need to go mow the yard or go fishing tomorrow.” No. I provide a place for her to talk if she wants. Sometimes she wants to talk and sometimes she doesn’t. I know a good thing to offer her is to take a few days and go see her sisters, or visit Bonnie, or take a trip. The absolute best thing to do is say, “Hey, lets you and me go off for a few days.” In thirty seconds she’s on the phone making reservations.
Maybe your wife just needs some time alone away from the children and away from you. Don’t take it personal. It’s just what she needs. Tell her to go to the mall. It’s funny how a woman can go to the mall, spend three hours, not buy anything, but have a great time. This tilts a man’s mind. I can’t comprehend it. If I went to the mall and spent three hours and came back empty handed, I would need some serious therapy. If a man goes to the mall and can’t get what he wants in fifteen minutes, something is bad wrong.
My point is we are all different. If we are going to have healthy marriages, we must GIVE WHAT THEY NEED, NOT WHAT WE NEED.
I want to be practical, but discrete. Women, your husbands number one need in your marriage is sexual fulfillment. It’s not his only need, but it’s his number one need. The wife may say, “He’s overboard. It’s all he ever thinks about.” This is what I am trying to tell you. Because you don’t have the same need and same drive doesn’t mean there is something wrong with him.
Genesis 1:28 God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it…”
God made us to be fruitful. He made the man with strong sexual desires. God made you different. The woman is to be fruitful, but your focus is more toward nurturing your children. Your hormones are different. God put this desire in him just as he put your desire in you.
I want to say this diplomatically. Wife, you are the only legitimate resource he has for meeting his number one and deepest physical need. Wife, this places you in a very important and POWERFUL position. It’s a position of great responsibility. You can cook him great suppers all week long. You can tell him how great he is twenty-four hours a day. You can clean the house spotlessly, but none of those will meet his most basic need. He will give up every meal and eat a peanut butter sandwich, give up all your compliments, and live in the garage to be satisfied in his physical area of your relationship. If you want to GIVE your husband what he needs, you must take this responsibility seriously.
I’m not talking about off the wall, dark stuff. I’m talking about a healthy sexual relationship the way God intended it.
Hebrews 13:4 Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled…
Song of Solomon 1:16 Behold, thou art fair, my beloved, yea, pleasant: also our bed is green.
Nothing’s wrong with the marriage bed. It’s undefiled and pure. The bed should be “green” – alive, evergreen and always in season, full of life.
I realize some women come from abusive backgrounds, but if you always make excuses, you are heading for problems. Or if you use this part of the relationship as punishment, you are not punishing, you are rejecting the man himself in the deepest way. The desire is put there by God and is foundationally deep. You cannot reject the sexual relationship and not reject the man. If you reject him, unless the man is extremely disciplined, your marriage will not last. Don’t play games with your husband in this area.
If you are single, don’t let your boyfriend twist what I am telling you by saying “You heard what he said. He said you need to meet my needs.” No. I say you need to marry the girl before you can have the privilege of what I’m talking about. If you are a single woman, see yourself as valuable. You are a prized possession. When someone gets you, they are getting a valuable treasure. Don’t allow someone to disrespect you. “But, I’m afraid I’ll lose him.” If he leaves, it means God has someone better for you. He has someone who will respect and cherish you and see you as the valuable prize you are.
Revelation 21:2 I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride BEAUTIFULLY DRESSED FOR HER HUSBAND.
John described this beautiful bride, not simply dressed for a wedding, but dressed FOR eternity – jasper walls, pearl gates, angelic, beautiful from any angle, gold street, fruitful and glowing. She’s looking good FOR her husband. Wife, you need to know your husband needs you to look good FOR him. Don’t go around looking sloppy, old raggedy clothes, hair messed up, and thinking, “I don’t need to fix up. It’s just my husband. He doesn’t care. I don’t need to impress him.” This is horrific logic. He’s the one man/only man you should try to impress. He’s the man who has the power to make your life better. He’s the man who should have more ability to bring your dreams to pass than any other person. Even if he never complains or says anything about it, your appearance goes into him. He will at least subconsciously think, “She doesn’t look very nice. She must not think much of me. She must not think I’m important.” Don’t send this message. Take time to look good FOR him. I’m not saying to go overboard. You don’t have to look like you just stepped out of a glamour photo. I’m saying don’t go around all day looking like you just got out of bed. Respect your husband. He has a need FOR you to look good. It may not be your need and you may know your husband loves you and thinks you’re beautiful. It may be true, but he has a need to feel proud of you. Your husband wants to see you LOOKING GOOD! In his eyes, you should be ONE HOT MOMMA!
Wife, realize men are sight oriented. Men are stimulated in the physical area by sight. Women are more emotionally stimulated. They like romance, long talks, spending time together. They want their man to look nice, but they are not nearly as sight stimulated as a man. When your husband comes home from work, you may have had a tough day with the children, or at work, but you need to do your best to look good just FOR him. Take a few minutes to fix your hair, freshen up your makeup, put a smile on your face, and have the attitude, “Someone important is coming and I need to look good.” You say, “I’m tired. I don’t want to do this.” Well, if you had some girlfriends coming over, or invited guest, you would have no problem looking good. Why not show your husband the same respect.
Ladies, do your best to stay in shape. Take care of yourself. Make looking good a priority in your life.
1 Corinthians 6:19-20 Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.
God doesn’t want to live in a run down temple. Stop spending money on everyone else and spend some money on yourself. You deserve to look good and feel good about yourself. If you don’t feel good about yourself – feel you don’t look good, feel overweight, etc, you are not only doing yourself a disservice. You are doing your husband a disservice. Change the image you have of yourself. See yourself as beautiful, attractive, appealing and desirable. See yourself as ONE HOT MOMMA. Let me tell you a secret. This is how your husband wants to see you.
Song of Solomon 1:10, 15 Your cheeks are beautiful with earrings, your neck with strings of jewels. How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful! Your eyes are doves.
Song of Solomon 4:1-3 How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful! Your eyes behind your veil are doves. Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Mount Gilead. Your teeth are like a flock of sheep just shorn, coming up from the washing. Each has its twin; not one of them is alone. Your lips are like a scarlet ribbon; your mouth is lovely. Your temples behind your veil are like the halves of a pomegranate.
Solomon goes on describing every part of his bride, but I best stop here. I understand your husband comparing your hair to a flock of goats and your teeth to shorn sheep is not romantic to you, but it was romantic talk in Solomon’s day. My point is every day your husband takes notice of every part of you and your appearance.
I know some of you struggle with your weight. It’s a challenge more for some than others and as the years go by, it gets more difficult. However, here is what you need to know and do. Don’t ever stop trying. Don’t ever give up. You may have a long way to go, but you can still look beautiful for your husband. What your husband wants to see is you are trying. If he sees you have a desire to look good for him, he’s happy.
Isn’t it interesting, often, when a woman goes through a divorce, suddenly she cares about her appearance? She will lose weight, get a new hairstyle, dress up, get a happy attitude, all styling, and feeling good about herself. You can’t help but think, “I wonder if she had made those changes a few years ago would she have changed her marriage? What if she had put forth this effort for her husband and he saw her in this light, would it have changed his attitude and how he treated her?” The point I am making is why don’t you look good to win your husband over? Why won’t you look good for him? Who knows what kind of difference it would make?
Ladies, let me tell you, if your marriage is messed up in the physical (sexual) area, your marriage is, or soon will be, messed up in a lot of other areas. If you can get the physical part of your relationship worked out, you will be amazed how other areas will automatically align.
I’ve spent most of the time today focusing on how the wife can interpret her husband’s love language to learn to GIVE WHAT HE NEEDS, NOT WHAT YOU NEED. Next week, we will flip it and I will talk to the men as best I can about the wife’s needs.
We are all made different by God. One reason marriages fail is because we do not LIVE TO GIVE to our spouse. To have a successful and fulfilling marriage, you must learn the love language of your spouse. Wives, you need to learn about your husband’s number one need and make certain you take your responsibility seriously. Don’t play games there. Stop spending all your money on your children and grandchildren and spend some on yourself so you will be looking good FOR YOUR HUSBAND and an eternal marriage.
Other Related Sermons: