Wife Men Give What They Need – It’s sad to run across people who have been married forty years, but don’t know each other. They share the same bed, same children, same checkbook, but are actually strangers. They never communicate. It’s all surface. They never realize how the lack of communication affects every area of their relationship. Some of the loneliest people in the world are people who have been married for years and years.

LIVE TO GIVE
By Pastor Delbert Young

GIVE WHAT THEY NEED, NOT WHAT I NEED pt 2

Wife Men Give What They Need pt 2 

Scriptures: Corinthians 13:5, Proverbs 18:22, Genesis 2:21-24

We’ve been talking about LIVE TO GIVE. However, most people live to be selfish. Sadly, one of the biggest places selfishness happens is in our marriages. In all divorces, one, if not both mates, becomes selfish.

Do you know for the first time in history there are more divorces among Christian marriages than with those who are not? We know about 50% of marriages don’t make it, but I read an article written by Christine Wicker about a Barna Research Group survey. If I understand the survey, it showed about 25% of all Americans are or have been divorced and of those the results showed “Baptists had the highest rate of the major denominations: 29 percent. Born-again Christians’ rate was 27 percent. To make matters even more distressing for believers, atheists/agnostics had the lowest rate of divorce 21 percent. What does this mean? It means 27% of us have already suffered the horror of divorce. We don’t need to hide our heads in the sand pretending it’s not here. Because a marriage is rooted in Christianity, does not “fireproof” the marriage. You must learn how to LIVE TO GIVE to your marriage. It’s a very serious situation and hardly a week goes by I don’t talk to someone having marital difficulties. What’s the number one problem? Summing it up, it’s SELFISHNESS.

As we saw last time, we all have different kinds of needs. This is especially true between men and women. We talked about how men, for the most part, are more logically driven and women are more emotionally driven. Men want to know only the facts. Women want all the details. Women need conversation. Men are not usually this way.

The biggest mistake we make in our marriages is we give our spouse what we need instead of GIVING what they need. Because something meets my needs doesn’t mean it will meet my wife’s needs.

Amplified 1 Corinthians 13:5 …Love does not insist on its own rights {or} its own way, {for} it is not self-seeking…

NLT 1 Corinthians 13:5 …Love does not demand its own way

True love is not selfish and is more interested in meeting your mate’s needs than meeting your own needs. So, a mate’s goal is to study their spouse’s “love language” to learn their needs then make the deposit into their relationship account.

We all have a “love language.” Some people need encouragement on a regular basis. They must hear they are important, appreciated, doing a good job, and necessary. Because they are doing one or two things you do not like doesn’t mean you don’t encourage them in areas they excel. Perhaps you are a self-motivated person and don’t need frequent encouragement. It’s not your love language, but it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t give it to others.

Some people’s love language is receiving a gift. Perhaps your wife “loves it” when you bring her flowers. I don’t need flowers, but my wife brings me home some of my favorite “healthy” TV/ ball game snacks like pork rinds, salted peanuts, salted Triscuits, and licorice candy. She could care less about Triscuits and licorices, but knows I will eat a box at one sitting. When she gets them, I know she was thinking about me and what I like, not what she likes. She’s learned my love language. You say, “My wife does this for me,” or “I do this for my husband.” Great! You understand the principle. Now simply take it deeper and apply it to the entire relationship.

We talked to the women last week about a man’s foundational need. I want to talk mostly to us men today. Men, your wife has two foundational needs. Those are (1) Affection showing you cherish her. She needs (2) Communication showing you want her involved in your life. If you do not give her those needs you will have difficulty in your marriage.

AFFECTION: When I say affection, I’m probably not talking about the same thing most men consider affection. I’m talking about affection not leading to anything else. Your wife needs you to be close to her. She needs you to hold her hand. She needs you to put your arm around her, hug her, touch her on the shoulder or back when she walks by, but let me make this clear, most women don’t want this overdone in public or overdone in private. They don’t want to feel like a piece of property you own and have to hang all over to guard, but rather feel they are a precious treasure you cherish. I’ve seen men hang all over a woman and I’ve never heard a woman say she liked such a thing. What you need to convey is you cherish her all the time not only when you want something. If you are only affectionate to your wife when you want something, you are a selfish man and you need to correct this.

You say, “I’m just not this way. I’m not one of those ‘touchy, lovey’ people. Then you need to change for your wife’s sake. She may not want to meet your physical need, but she does it. Again, she doesn’t want you hanging all over her, but the reason some men are not happy in the physical aspects of their marriages is because they are not doing their part. God wired women to need romance and pampering, but not ONLY in a sexual agenda. She needs her nails done and a pedicure and it has nothing to do with sex. She simply loves the pampering. A woman interprets your non-sexual affection as commitment. She interprets your non sexual touch as you cherishing her and you noticing her when she walks by. You better believe she notices if you notice when someone else walks by.

We need to pamper our wives. We need to make sure they get their pedicure or the massage (not by you husband) by a professional. You need to take responsibility and make sure there’s money to get her hair done. You are showing you respect her needs EVEN THOUGH YOU CAN’T COMPREHEND THEM. It’s her love language. If you will respect her and treat her like a queen, she will make you the king you want to be. If you will treat her with non sexual affection, you will never complain again about your needs not being met.

With a woman, the physical part of the relationship doesn’t begin in the bedroom, or when she changes clothes in front of you. It began early in the day and maybe days before when you told her of plans to go out. Oh, she will submit to you and be spontaneous, but it’s not how she desires it to be. It began with how you cherished her when she knew you were not trying to get something.

Proverbs 18:22 Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth FAVOUR of the LORD.

Proverbs 18:22 The man who finds a wife FINDS A TREASURE and receives favor from the LORD.

The future will be better when you find your wife is a treasure. God gives you favor ahead.

COMMUNICATION: This is where I and so many men miss it so frequently. We come home from work tired and maybe stressed a little. All we want to do is collapse in the chair, eat, take a nap, and watch some TV. However, the wife asks, “How was your day?” We say, “OK.” “Who did you see?” “Nobody.” “How did the meeting go?” “OK.” “Did anyone call?” “Yes.” It’s not what she needs to hear. She NEEDS the INSIDE STORY and details. She NEEDS conversation from you. Actually, GET THIS, she NEEDS to know she is seeing your soul and a part of YOU. God made her this way.

We don’t think about it, but originally man was created in God’s image both male and female (Gen 1:27). Man was self-contained, but it didn’t work well. Man had no one to connect with as did other living creatures. So, God fixed it.

Genesis 2:21-24 So the LORD God caused Adam to fall into a deep sleep. He took one of Adam’s ribs and closed up the place from which he had taken it. Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib and brought her to Adam. “At last!” Adam exclaimed. “She is part of my own flesh and bone! She will be called ‘woman,’ because SHE WAS TAKEN OUT OF A MAN.” This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.

My point is her foundational place is within you, not excluded from you. She has a deep need to get back inside you. You desire to reconnect with the sensual and sexual part taken out of man. She is more soul minded. She wants to get inside you like a rib where she can see and protect your soul and heart. The only way this happens is with communication. You OPEN YOURSELF UP so she can get inside.

“I just can’t communicate like that.” You better learn how to or the enemy will send someone who will. She wants in. She wants to be your helper and companion (Gen 2:18). We are talking about GIVE WHAT THEY NEED, NOT WHAT I NEED. Because you don’t need it doesn’t mean she doesn’t need it. I spent the entire lesson last time talking to her about your needs. You need to respond, even lead. How difficult is it to take fifteen minutes for your wife every day for uninterrupted communication with her with the purpose of letting her in?

Did you know men say three times as many words in public as they do in private? In other words, a man will communicate to other people three times as much as he communicates with his wife. Strangely, a woman says three times as many words in private as they do in public. If you could see it as playing tennis it will help. When your wife asks you about your day, she is serving trying to draw conversation out of you so she can “volley” conversation back. Sadly, I read in one article a woman said, “Talking to my husband is like playing tennis with no one in the other court.”

We men need to learn the listening part of communication. Conversation is not only you talking. It’s intentionally listening and this is difficult for us. We feel WE ARE SUPPOSED TO fix everything. You may not be a good talker, but every one of us men can be a good listener if we will just bite our tongues and do it. We interpret the reason she is telling us her concerns is for us to fix it. I mean, why else would she tell me, right? However, I’ve learned it’s most likely not why she told you. She simply wants to know you care and you are interested in her by letting her into your soul with exchanging (volleying) concerns. She doesn’t expect you to fix everything, but she does expect you to care. When you listen in an understanding way, you welcome her in.

Listening is not easy for us men. I’m a pastor. I spend a lot of time on the phone, or in conversations with people in crisis. Sometimes it’s with husbands in marital problems and I tell them exactly what I am telling you, but when I go home, if I don’t watch it, I give the “OK,” “Nobody,” “Yes,” “No” short type answers not letting Judy in to see my soul. Without knowing I am doing it, I will shut Judy out by not volleying meaningful conversation at my own home. And, when Judy does share her concerns with me, I want to solve Judy’s problems. I LECTURE INSTEAD OF LISTEN. To this moment, it takes all my self-control to shut my mouth and actively, intentionally, and understandingly listen.

Your wife needs you to listen to her and see her world the way she sees it instead of explaining to her why she shouldn’t see it her way.

Not long ago, something upset my wife Judy badly. (It wasn’t me.) She was extremely hurt, cried, and couldn’t sleep. She lost her joy. All I could do was consol her, hug her, and tell her how I knew how badly the situation hurt her. She knew I couldn’t fix it and she didn’t want me to. All she wanted to do when it happened was to be with me and talk to me about it. I probably did one of my best listening jobs I’ve ever done. She said, “I’ll be ok. I just need a few days to work through it.” She did and it all worked out, but in the midst she told me, “I’ve decided in those situations, if I can’t be with you, I want to just be by myself.” The way I took it was “No one else will do if I can’t communicate with you.” What a compliment for a husband to get.

It’s sad to run across people who have been married forty years, but don’t know each other. They share the same bed, same children, same checkbook, but are actually strangers. They never communicate. It’s all surface. They never realize how the lack of communication affects every area of their relationship. Some of the loneliest people in the world are people who have been married for years and years. Men, don’t let this be your wife and you. Make a decision today to spend more time actually communicating with your wife.

Men, do you realize sometimes you have not treated your wife correctly? Do you see because you don’t need affection without wanting something or you don’t need communication doesn’t mean she doesn’t need it? Are you willing to change? Will you make conversation a top priority and meaningfully volley conversation with your wife? Will you let her inside so she can see your soul and heart? If you are going to have a strong marriage, if you are going to have a meaningful fulfilling marriage, you’ve got to GIVE WHAT THEY NEED, NOT WHAT YOU NEED. If you will, you will see your marriage, your home, and your life get better and better and better. LIVE TO GIVE.

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Life Gate Church sermons by Delbert Young

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