Destruction and Rejection of a Home. Why does a home fail? Have you ever pondered this thought? I am certain we could come up with many answers, but in a moment I plan to show us the one true answer. Why does it seem that praying and begging God will not save a marriage or its children? Doesn’t God care? Does God hate Me? Why does the Lord not want people to be leaders in church if their homes are in chaos? Why is it that two people can be truly in love and yet their marriage fail? Why does counseling, even Christian counseling, not save a home? What can I do to make certain my home is built to last?
BUILDING A HOME OR A HELL (01)
by Delbert Young
Destruction and Rejection of a Home sermon video
or Does God hate me?
Destruction and Rejection of a Home or “Does God hate me?”
Scriptures: Hosea 4:6, 1 Corinthians 14:38, Proverbs 24:3-4, Matthew 7:24-27
Some things I want to work in:
“Can’t unscramble eggs.”
“Must make peace with some things.”
When we come for counseling, we are saying I don’t know what to do.
I remember the day. It was June the 26th 1967. At the church altar in Midway Methodist Church, I stood with my beautiful bride. She was seventeen and I was nineteen. After repeating all the vows, we each said, “I do.” The preacher presented to the people Mr. and Mrs. Delbert Young. Away we went into a life of living happily ever after. Sure we did. A year later we had a baby. There was not enough money to pay our bills. We fussed a lot. We were beginning not to like each other and it was downhill from there for many years to come.
“The current U.S. divorce rate is 0.41% per capita per year, as reported on 9/6/00 by the National Center for Health Statistics for the 12-month period ending in Oct. 1999.”
“Children living with one parent or in step families are two to three times more likely to have emotional and behavioral problems as children living in two-parent families…. A parent’s remarriage often does not seem to better the odds.” Hillary R. Clinton, It Takes a Village, pp. 39-40
“It is easier to divorce my wife of 26 years than to fire someone I hired one week ago. The person I hire has more legal clout…. than my wife of 26 years. That’s wrong.”–Judge Randall Hekman, President of the Family Forum, quoted in a Michael McManus column in the Detroit News
“Only acts of war and the events of natural disasters are more harmful to a child’s psyche than the divorce process.” “No two people become divorced at the same time.”–The Newsletter of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, Summer 1997
“Some 110.6 million Americans aged 18 and over were married and living with one another last year, the Census Bureau reports. That’s 56 percent of the adult population. True, it’s a share that’s been declining for years, but marrieds are still the majority. Thursday, January 7, 1999 WASHINGTON (AP)
In these stats and quotes we observe several things. We see that divorce is easy to acquire. We see that children suffer greatly and eternally when parents divorce. We see that homes are in trouble, but the odds are for the marriage. If 41% end with divorce, then 59% are making it! Vegas would take those odds every day of the week. We see that the largest segment of the population is married. To minister to the most people, church at its best must learn to minister to homes. Those married are building a home or building a hell. We aim our study at the largest segment of our society.
Somehow my wife and I have been able to avoid being a divorce statistics. Our children avoided the emotional problems of a failed home. How did we do this? I am not totally certain. I am certain that my wife had more to do with the success of our marriage than I. That sounds strange with all the hoopla about how the man is the one responsible for making a marriage work. We hear numbers like it’s 75% the man’s responsibility and 25% the woman’s responsibility. My wife and I have learned those numbers are not even close. We have learned that it is 110% the man’s responsibility and 110% the woman’s responsibility. Sometimes one partner is not able to give and the other partner must pick up the slack.
Plus, through many years of pastoral work and counseling, we have seen and heard much. It is the things we have learned through our entire process that I want to develop this series around.
Society can be no stronger or weaker than the families. Family was the first form of society instituted in humanity therefore, family is the ancestor of society. Society does not produce families. Society can only emulate the families that form the society. If we have problems in our society, and we do, simply look at the condition of our homes. Many homes are in trouble.
Message I: Destruction and Rejection of a Home or
Does God hate me?
Why do homes fail? Have you ever pondered that thought? I am certain we could come up with many answers, but in a moment I plan to show us the one true answer. Why does it seem that praying and begging God will not save a marriage or its children? Doesn’t God care? Does God hate Me? Why does the Lord not want people to be leaders in church if their homes are in chaos? Why is it that two people can be truly in love and yet their marriage fail? Why does counseling, even Christian counseling, not save a home? What can I do to make certain my home is built to last?
Hopefully we can find some real answers to these questions.
I am aware that 41% of us have suffered divorce, and failed homes. I am aware that some have suffered more than one failed marriage. I want to help you.
I am also aware that experience does not bring wisdom. Wisdom comes from above. We can marry and remarry fifteen times and still not understand how a marriage works.
I am aware that some of us are at this very moment living in a hell at home. Some homes are struggling to survive and are uncertain what the future may hold. People will not continue to live in that environment. If the home is a hell, people will either leave or drive their spouse into leaving. I believe we can help you.
I am aware that some of us have children that are in rebellion. They are driving you crazy, damaging your relationship with your spouse, damaging your relationship with your other children, and undermining your home. I hope to help.
I am aware some of us have never married, but are ready to marry. I can help you perceive what to look for and how to prepare yourself for marriage.
I am also aware some of us have very good marriages. I believe we can help make them better. Let’s get started.
Hosea 4:6 my people are destroyed from lack of knowledge. Because you have rejected knowledge, I also reject you as my priests; because you have ignored the law of your God, I also will ignore your children. (NIV)
Why do families fail?
Allow me to explain how the preceding scripture works out in real life. The verse speaks about parents and the children. We see that at least two generations are involved. It is because of what the parents do that the children are ignored by God. Why is this?
Choosing to be Ignorant
It is most likely that the way our parents thought and established their home is the way we think and have (or will) established our homes. It is highly likely that the way my wife and I establish our home is the way our children will establish their homes.
If I ignore (ig-nor-ant) the correct ways to establish a home, it is highly likely my children will be ignorant and never know the correct way to establish their homes. If I don’t know anything and I teach my children everything I know, how much will my children know?
As you see, the word ignore is taken from the word ignorant. A definition for ignore is “to be ignorant of or in the dark about.” The needed information is available that will terminate my ignorance. However, I have chosen to ignore-it.
The Hebrew word translated reject in Hosea 4:6 is ma’ac (Strong’s #3988) meaning “to spurn.” It is not that the knowledge is not available. The knowledge is “spurned.”
If I don’t know how to be a father and reject the available knowledge to learn and I teach my son everything I know about fatherhood, what have I taught him? The answer is nothing. Is the information available for me to become a good father? Certainly it is available. However, I have chosen to ignore it.
Did you know that we can choose to be ignorant. The Bible says,
1 Corinthians 14:38 But if any man be ignorant, let him be ignorant.
If I know nothing about being a husband and I teach my son everything that I know about being a husband, what have I taught him? The information is available. Nonetheless, I have chosen to be ignorant.
We all know there is more to fatherhood than “fathering” a child. We hear much today about the deficiency of fathers today. I want to say that there is also more to motherhood than birthing a baby. If my wife knew nothing about being a good wife and a good mother and taught my daughter all she knew about being a wife and a mother, what has she taught my daughter? The information was available, but she chose to be ignorant.
The verse in Hosea 4:6 says, “….because you have ignored the law of your God, I also will ignore your children.” That is how this works out in real life. It is not that God simply rejects or ignores our children because he hates us. The problem is that we refuse to listen and learn. An example would be a rebellious child that will not listen to the parent’s advice. There is nothing more the parents can do if the child refuses to listen. If that child continues to rebel and not listen then that child will find a jail house to live in or worse.
The verse in Hosea chapter four also says, my people are destroyed from lack of knowledge. The verse is not speaking about the people far from God that will have problems. This is speaking about God’s people! We have the blood of Jesus, but that will not stop our ignorance. We have the Spirit of God, but that will not stop our ignorance. We have the body of Christ, but that will not stop our ignorance. Why will God’s people have problems in their homes and lives? The answer is because we decide to remain ignorant. We pass that on to our children. “And the beat goes on, and the beat goes on.” This will continue until someone acquires the necessary knowledge and applies that knowledge.
Why do families fail? The reason is because people lack knowledge and reject his word and ways.
What knowledge must I possess to have a successful family?
Love Is Not What A Marriage Is Built Upon
If I were to ask people what it was that I should build my marriage upon most would tell me, “Loooovvvveeee.” Of course the Christians would add, “God,” but do you know that neither of those is what the Bible’s answer is to that question?
An extremely important piece of knowledge that I must possess is that love is not what I should build my marriage upon. What is it that no matter what storm comes my way, if I build my home upon it my home will still be standing when the storm has gone? What is it that I can build my home upon, my life upon, my family upon, my children upon, that will last the test of time?
It’s not love. I know this is in direct opposition to what we are told about building a home. The American dream is that two people plan a wedding. They pool their thought and time and spend a lot of money on the ceremony and celebration. Then they go on a dream honeymoon. They have seen television and read books and watched movies. They think because they are in love they will live happily…. You finish it.
It doesn’t happen that way. We know it doesn’t happen that way. The reason is because love is not what we build upon. We must build our homes upon wisdom and understanding. We see that knowledge thing again.
Proverbs 24:3 Through wisdom is an house builded; and by understanding it is established:
Proverbs 24:4 And by knowledge shall the chambers be filled with all precious and pleasant riches.
How do we build a home and not a hell? If we build the house through wisdom, understanding, and knowledge, it will be a pleasant thing. It will be filled with pleasant riches. Please notice the verse does not mention love. There is a reason.
When my wife and I married, we really looooovvvved one another. However, there were times later that we did not love one another. There was no love to be felt or found. Love did not make the marriage work. I wished that it was that easy. We both needed to acquire wisdom and understanding and knowledge. After acquiring wisdom, knowledge, and understanding, love returned to the house. The proof is that thirty plus years later our house remains. Love is a vital component. However love is not the substance upon which we will build a home that will last.
We have listened to the fairy tales, soap operas, and Hollywood. They got married and they lived…. say it, “happily ever after.” We know that’s a lie. History and statistics do not prove they lived happily ever after. Love does not make a home work. In fact, in the best of marriages the husband and wife at times will seem to nearly hate each other. Things will get stressful and tempers will become hot and many cruel things will be said that it seems the marriage will crash. That is until wisdom, understanding, and knowledge kick in. Once they are applied, the storm calms, hearts heal, and the home stands.
Let’s say I am in a counseling situation. I ask the woman, “Do you love him?” A squeaky, crying, broken voice says, “Yes.” I ask the man, “Do you love her?” “Of course,” he says in his proud macho voice. “Then why are you getting a divorce?” “I can’t stand her nagging anymore. Nag, nag, nag. The woman does not know when to shut up.” I ask the woman, “Why are you getting a divorce?.” “I can’t take it anymore. He comes home and flops down and never talks to me. He doesn’t spend time with the kids. He leaves his nasty underwear laying in the floor.” The point is love does not make a marriage work. Love is an important component, but love doesn’t make a marriage work.
I was watching the Oprah show. They were talking with people that had gotten a divorce. They argued and fussed and yelled at each other on television seemingly they hated each other. However, when asked if they loved each other they said, “Yes.” They were divorced. Their homes had fallen, but they continued to love each other. Love will not save your marriage.
What knowledge must I possess to have a successful family? I must know that my home will not built upon love. I must build my home through wisdom, understanding, and knowledge. Then my home will be filled with precious things.
A Home Is Functioning Components
We need to recognize that it is not wisdom, understanding, and knowledge in one area that we need. When we talk about a home there are a number of different components that make up the home. Perhaps using an automobile as an example will help us. An automobile in its entirety is an automobile. When it is running well we love it. When it is running awfully and breaks down on the interstate we curse it and hate it. It’s the same automobile that we loved. The difference is that it’s broken.
Usually, not always, but usually, the automobile give us warnings that something is going wrong before it breaks down. A light comes on in the dash or a gauge needle goes in the wrong direction, or it begins to vibrate or skip. Usually there are warning signs that tell us the automobile needs attention. What we do about the warning signs determines our future.
So is it with our marriages. A marriage will seldom (if ever) break down with no warning. We see a problem. A light has gone on in my head. What we do about the light determines our future. I will have a couple of options. I can fix the problem. I can not fix the problem and allow the marriage to break down and strand me on the interstate alone and angry, possibly hurt or destroyed. Or, I can trade the marriage in and get me a new one that will one day break down too unless I learn to fix the problem.
If we go back to our automobile analogy, we find that it was not the entire automobile that needed fixing. There are thousands of components in an automobile. There is the body, the motor, the transmission, the starter, the radio, spark plugs, pistons, fuel injection, oil, alternator, etc. There are thousands, of components that cause an automobile to operate properly. Some components are far more important than others. Yet, if the automobile is to operate at peak performance and provide a smooth enjoyable ride, all the components must be functional.
It is the same with a home. A home in its entirety it is a home, but has thousands of components. There is the component of a man. There is the component of the woman. There is the component of the children. There is the component of the in-laws. There is his mother and her mother and his father and her father. There is the component of the grandparents. There is the components of friends and relationships. There is the component of finances and the handling of the finances. There is the component of disciplining the children. There is the component of the physical dwelling. There is the component of religious beliefs and individual faithfulness. There is the component of remembering anniversaries and valentine’s and birthdays, and…. There is no end to the components. All the components, no matter how seemingly unimportant, are vital!
I am an intelligent and responsible man – most of the time. This past year we had been on vacation. I had taken my boat to the coast to do some fishing while on vacation. I love my boat, trailer, and truck. I love my whole rig. I know that after several launches into the water the grease in the wheel bearings will dilute and must be replaced. I know that, but it was time to come home and I had not brought my grease gun to inject grease into the wheel bearings. I didn’t want to take the time to acquire a grease gun and grease ($10.00). I decided the bearing would be okay until I got home. I was coming home pulling my boat via the interstate. I was doing the speed limit of 70 mph (ha, ha) in fairly heavy, but moving traffic when I heard a BOOM! I looked in my rear view mirror and saw that both my boat and trailer were extremely tilted. The automobiles around me scattered like I was a bomb about to explode. Everyone gave me space and I was able to maneuver to the right and onto the shoulder of the interstate. When I got out and surveyed the situation sure enough, I discovered that a wheel bearing had locked on the trailer axial. The wheel and tire had literally twisted off the axil and were missing. My axil was broken and I was in a mess on the interstate. I was angry.
Who was to fault for my dilemma? Of course, I was to fault. I didn’t give the necessary care to the component that I knew needed attention.
There are hundreds, even thousands, of components that come into action for a family to function properly. Some are more important than others. Yet, for the home to operate properly and provide a smooth enjoyable ride, all the components must be functional. Any one of the components, if not adjusted when malfunctioning, can cause the home to break down.
My experience on the interstate could have easily been avoided by simply giving the wheel bearing a tiny amount of grease. Had I remembered my grease gun, it would have cost me nothing to avoid the predicament. Had I taken time to purchase another grease gun and the needed grease, it would have only cost about ten dollars. Instead, it cost me about four hundred dollars, plus all the aggravation and time and embarrassment. I could have been injured. I could have been destroyed because of tiny amount of grease. It’s not fun guiding a fish-telling trailer with a very nice boat at 70 mph down the interstate. I could have flipped. I could have been killed.
Homes break down and even wreck because one component needed repair and was not serviced. Usually the needed tools are already in our possession. Even if they are not, the cost is minimal. We reject the knowledge. We ignore the signs and BOOM!
My entire rig was not needing attention. Only that one little wheel bearing needed attention. It only needed a tiny amount of grease. There was nothing wrong with my truck or my boat. However, I could have destroyed it all.
Isn’t that the way it is with our homes? The entire home and relationship is not bad. There is only one or two areas that need attention. There is only two because the first one needing attention was not given the attention it needed.
Marriages are built to last until death do us part. That does not mean that we will not require an occasional new set of tires and oil and lube change. Every marriage does and if someone tells you different then someone has just told you a lie. There are no perfect marriages. However, there are many successful marriage!
For example, the most common marital problem is usually related to finances. We don’t need to fix the children or the mother-in-law. We need to fix the spending.
What knowledge must I possess to have a successful family? I must have knowledge about the components. Over the next weeks I want to talk about a few of these components. We will not be able to touch all the components. However, we will be able to establish the principle of looking at individual components.
Why does it seem that praying and begging God does not save a marriage or children?
Can a person pray, even pray in tongues, dance in church, and beg God to save their marriage, but the marriage fail? The answer is “Yes.” I’ve seen it happen. Why is this true? Again, the answer is lack of knowledge.
Though we should pray and must pray for our homes, prayer alone will not save the marriage or the home. We must acquire knowledge.
Why does the Lord not want us to be leaders in church if our families are in chaos?
Families in correct alignment are important to the Lord. The Lord also says in Hosea 4:6 that He will reject us as priests. The Bible says, If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God’s church? (1TI 3:5). A priority of the Lord’s is that hurting people receive ministry. However, the Lord does not want people ministered to by those that have decided to ignore his word and remain ignorant to his ways.
As it is with society, the largest populous of the church are married people. Obviously, the majority of my ministering to people will be to married people. If I do not have knowledge to minister to my family, how will I have knowledge to minister to others? It is impossible to adequately minister to others when my family is in chaos. I obviously don’t know how to minister to them if I can’t correct my family problems.
God is not cruel and uncaring toward those who’s families are in chaos. He loves us all. It is simply that those desiring to minister have rejected his law if their home is in chaos. It is impossible for me to minister properly to people if my home is in discord. It is a fact. I have watched men, church leaders, attempt to lead the church when their own families were in havoc. It does not work.
Reread The Manual
Have you ever purchased a product and was instructed to read the manual before attempting to operate? Products such as cameras, a VCR, an automobile, a television, etc., come with manuals. The manufacturer highly recommends that we read the instruction manual. How many of us do that? It’s the same with the home. We have a manual. The manual is the Bible. How many of us read the manual? The manual that came with my television tells me exactly how to get the product to fulfill its purpose. The Bible tells me exactly how to get my marriage to fulfill its purpose.
I purchased a big screen television. Attached to my big screen television, I have a VCR, and a cable box. All three components are controlled by one remote control that came with the television.
The big screen television has surround sound. It can be like being in a movie theater. My big screen television can tell me the time of day. It has several inputs and outputs if I want to add more components.
My VCR can record programs for weeks, go in slow motion, go in reverse, and do all sorts of things.
My cable box can receive special sporting events that I enjoy watching. I like to have guys over sometimes just to watch fights and super bowls and the world series.
I know my television, VCR, and cable box can do all these things because they showed me they could at the store. However, the first time the power went off everything reset. I could not make them function anymore. I couldn’t get a single picture. All the VCR would do was blink at me. The television did not know the cable box was there. Do you know what I was required to do to get it all functioning again? I needed to reread the manual.
Our homes are this way. We have an instruction manual. It is called the Bible. The manufacturer of our homes highly recommends that we read the manual. The home and marriage can do all sorts of great things. The marriage and home can provide companionship until death do us part. It can provide security. It can bring physical pleasure, joy, and happiness. It can create children and a heritage. It can be a place of comfort, solace, fellowship and rest. All of these great things are possible and enjoyed. Most people have done it correctly at one time or another. However, from time to time the power goes off. There is no real power in the relationship as there once was. We just sort of “blink” at one another. We act like each other are not even there. Do you know what we need to do? You got it. We need to reread the manual.
The woman says, “I tell him to get off the couch and he just blinks at me.” “I tell her to clean the house and she acts like I am not even there.” We need to read the manual again.
The owners manual for my big screen television and VCR will also tell me how to maintain the products. I have top of the line high quality products. Nonetheless, they require maintenance. The longevity is greatly determined by giving the necessary maintenance.
Listen, the best of marriages need maintenance. If there is going to be longevity in a marriage, it will require maintenance. We can read about that in the manual.
Matthew 7:24 Therefore whosoever heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, which built his house upon a rock:
Matthew 7:25 And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell not: for it was founded upon a rock.
Matthew 7:26 And every one that heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them not, shall be likened unto a foolish man, which built his house upon the sand:
Matthew 7:27 And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell: and great was the fall of it.
We can avoid the fall of our homes by building upon the sayings of Jesus. Even if we build a home and it falls, we can rebuild if the foundation is secure. Who is our foundation? What is our foundation?
The foundation must be wisdom, knowledge, and understanding. The future depends upon it. Our future generations will be successful and our grand children will be blessed because we took time to gain knowledge. We took time to acquire some understanding.
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